After decades of research and investigative journalism that truly “left no stone unturned,” male researchers at the University of Waterloo have finally discovered the reason why the women’s line is always longer for the washroom at every establishment besides Chainsaw.

Staff and patrons of Chainsaw alike have often been baffled as to why the men’s line is longer for the washroom than the women’s when it is exactly the opposite at near every other bar, eatery, and rest stop in the world.

According to the recent study, using the washroom at most establishments is a far more complicated problem for females. Any ladies entering the facilities must be prepared to face a series of intellectual and physical challenges that range from algebraic equations to full-on combat scenarios.

“We discovered this is the reason women will often go to the washroom in packs,” reported lead researcher, Jon Dough, “They need to make sure they have someone qualified to face each task. A healer, a warrior, an archer…”

The bombshell revelations point to the fact that the walls in women’s washrooms are hollow and hold creatures such as flying monkeys with razor-sharp teeth, Voldemort-like wizards, as well as homicidal robots. Each must be bested if the ladies wish to use the facilities.

“I’d like to hear a guy complain about ‘performance anxiety’ after going toe-to-toe with a Water Closet Dragon,” said one woman interviewed.

However, the question remains, how have the men of the world managed to remain oblivious to this when women have to face these bizarre and dangerous situations multiple times a day?

“Is that a serious question?” asked literally every single woman surveyed.

With this new data, researchers can finally dispel the fringe theory that the women’s line is always long because the washrooms were designed by men both ignorant of and indifferent to women’s needs.


This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson