In an eye-opening report, top researchers at the Institute of Science in Toronto have found a correlation between alcohol consumption and the ability to sing. According to the discovery, singing while intoxicated adds at least five octaves to a person’s vocal range, as well as the ability to recall every single lyric ever composed.

The news has brought relief to the millions across the world who sing karaoke and then have to hear from their friends the next morning they were a mess.

“I know I definitely sounded better than when I do in the shower. Maybe it was the audience?” questioned one young woman who definitely didn’t cause any ears to bleed during her silky-smooth rendition of Titanium by Sia.

In addition to boosting your vocal chords, those that consumed alcohol also reported they momentarily became fabulous dancers, despite many of the participants being notably caucasian.

“I could tell everyone on the dance floor was totally vibing me. I don’t know where it came from, but suddenly I was lord of the fucking dance,” said one man in khaki shorts.

Analysts caution they still have much to learn from the data they have collected and want to remind readers that although their karaoke may improve, “consuming too much alcohol can also lead to nausea, vomiting, headaches, and in severe cases, explosive diarrhea.”

Always use caution operating a microphone after the consumption of alcohol.


This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson