In a bizarre proclamation last Friday, local student Jordan Pitt used a microphone to publicly admit to a packed bar that not only was he a teenager, but also a dirtbag.
His friends were mortified, “He’s not a teenager. He’s 22. He’s going to get us kicked out.”
Chainsaw’s security team was quick to act. “For us, it’s about more than just being underage. We also care about our hygiene standards. The unshowered give Chainsaw a bad name.”
Jordan’s parents were called to pick him up, despite their repeated assertions that their son was not, in fact, a teenager. When pressed about the state of Jordan’s hygiene, Mr and Mrs Pitt were much less forthcoming, but were adamant that he at least had “clean laundry delivered every week.”
Before he was removed, the strange boy also admitted to liking Iron Maiden, as if it was somehow relevant to him being both a teenager and a dirtbag.
In a final heartbreaking display of teenage angst, Jordan was dragged out screaming “You don’t give a damn about me!”
Investigators are now looking into how this plucky adolescent managed to enter the bar in the first place.
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson