Still reeling from the news that police would be closing down Ezra Ave for St. Patrick’s Day, local student Cathy Gibbers is urging fellow revelers to remember that leprechaun bites can cause mania as well as a stereotypical dependence on potatoes.
“I know everyone is upset,” Cathy was heard to say, “But we need to keep in mind that there are some students that have yet to recover from the savage leprechaun attacks from last year.”
Indeed, emergency rooms in Kitchener-Waterloo have been getting steadily fuller each March 17th, despite repeated warnings that Ezra Ave is a hotbed for leprechaun aggression.
“We keep trying to notify students of the growing problem,” said Police Chief John Smith, “But they refuse to listen. It’s almost as if being part of a drunken mob has somehow impaired their ability to think rationally.”
Or it could be that myths of kindly leprechauns eating Lucky Charms by the bowlful have endowed this generation of students with the idea that leprechauns are not dangerous.
Citing cultural misappropriation as the reason for their repeated attacks, the KW Leprechaun Royal Thinktank (KWLRT) has claimed that they are well within their rights to defend the theft of their heritage.
Regardless of this most recent move by the KWLRT, the student protests have continued in full force, with students loudly proclaiming, “Kiss me. I identify as Irish.”
But fearing the ravenous teeth and razor-sharp claws of the leprechauns, police will not be permitting students to party on Ezra.
Local tavern Chainsaw has been a vocal opponent of the recent surge in leprechaun-related attacks, going so far as to advertise a deal on ‘leprechaun limbs’ so as to discourage any of the toothy green demons from walking in and singing karaoke.
Chainsaw will be leprechaun free and open early, Sunday, March 17th. Live music will play from 4-7pm and karaoke will follow.
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson