Local student Janie Jones, finding herself drunk and alone at 3 am on the streets of Waterloo, decided that the only way she could make it home safely was if she found pizza.

Ms Jones was heard to be repeating the phrase “you are my fire, my one desire” over and over as she stumbled down the sidewalk with the grace of a crippled swan.  

It was several agonizing seconds later that Ms Jones managed to find what she assumed to be a pizza place, an assumption reached through what can only be described as Sherlock Holmesian deductive reasoning: “The door was open and it was, like, 3 am.”

In her heavily inebriated state, Ms Jones disclosed to us that she vaguely recalled speaking to someone inside, but was unable to specify anything beyond the word “cheese”.

The next thing Ms Jones recollects is chewing. Ms Jones admitted the slice was both chewy and dry, and had a similar consistency with cardboard, but noted it “wasn’t exactly a deal breaker” for her. She wisely added, “Pizza’s pizza.”

We caught up with Ms Jones the next morning to see if she had reached any conclusions. She hadn’t, but she did add “I’m actually hoping it wasn’t pizza now. I forgot I’m off gluten.”


This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson