Seeing the crowd of over 15,000 students that partied on Ezra Avenue for Saint Patrick’s Day, local Waterloo Police were said to be “ecstatic” that their recent marketing campaign had been an astounding success.

After hearing that local students had been planning on a more low-key St. Paddy’s Day event, limited to friends and fellow students that actually live in Waterloo Region, Chief John Smith grew concerned.

“Everyone knows the Ezra St. Patrick’s Day party is the biggest rager around. Where are all those kids travelling up from the States for St. Paddy’s going to go if not here? Guelph? Not on my watch.”

Police then worked tirelessly with local government to come up with a plan, until finally, University of Waterloo researcher Rosamund Butterworth made a genius discovery.

“Over the course of my research into what makes young people tick, I came across an old N.W.A song that gave me an idea. You see students, and especially inebriated ones, don’t actually like to be told what to do. And what’s more, they might do exactly the opposite of what you tell them!”

Local police and government officials were baffled by this shocking and completely unheard of information and were quick to act. They immediately issued a press release saying that they would not be permitting Saint Patrick’s Day festivities on Ezra.

This achieved exactly what they were after — a collective shrug from the entire student body of Waterloo Region. When asked for comment about whether or not they would heed the warning from police, local students had this to say: “Woohooo!! EZRAAAAAAA!”

On March 17th, Chief Smith was positively beaming with good cheer as he surveyed the massive crowd of students and tourists. “This is just the beginning. Imagine what we can accomplish next year when we ban the colour green!”


This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson