“Cancellation” of Ezra St. Patrick’s Day Party Deemed Complete Success

“Cancellation” of Ezra St. Patrick’s Day Party Deemed Complete Success

Seeing the crowd of over 15,000 students that partied on Ezra Avenue for Saint Patrick’s Day, local Waterloo Police were said to be “ecstatic” that their recent marketing campaign had been an astounding success.

After hearing that local students had been planning on a more low-key St. Paddy’s Day event, limited to friends and fellow students that actually live in Waterloo Region, Chief John Smith grew concerned.

“Everyone knows the Ezra St. Patrick’s Day party is the biggest rager around. Where are all those kids travelling up from the States for St. Paddy’s going to go if not here? Guelph? Not on my watch.”

Police then worked tirelessly with local government to come up with a plan, until finally, University of Waterloo researcher Rosamund Butterworth made a genius discovery.

“Over the course of my research into what makes young people tick, I came across an old N.W.A song that gave me an idea. You see students, and especially inebriated ones, don’t actually like to be told what to do. And what’s more, they might do exactly the opposite of what you tell them!”

Local police and government officials were baffled by this shocking and completely unheard of information and were quick to act. They immediately issued a press release saying that they would not be permitting Saint Patrick’s Day festivities on Ezra.

This achieved exactly what they were after — a collective shrug from the entire student body of Waterloo Region. When asked for comment about whether or not they would heed the warning from police, local students had this to say: “Woohooo!! EZRAAAAAAA!”

On March 17th, Chief Smith was positively beaming with good cheer as he surveyed the massive crowd of students and tourists. “This is just the beginning. Imagine what we can accomplish next year when we ban the colour green!”


This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson

Ezra St Patrick’s Day Party Shut Down Due to Vicious Leprechaun Attacks

Ezra St Patrick’s Day Party Shut Down Due to Vicious Leprechaun Attacks

Still reeling from the news that police would be closing down Ezra Ave for St. Patrick’s Day, local student Cathy Gibbers is urging fellow revelers to remember that leprechaun bites can cause mania as well as a stereotypical dependence on potatoes.

“I know everyone is upset,” Cathy was heard to say, “But we need to keep in mind that there are some students that have yet to recover from the savage leprechaun attacks from last year.”

Indeed, emergency rooms in Kitchener-Waterloo have been getting steadily fuller each March 17th, despite repeated warnings that Ezra Ave is a hotbed for leprechaun aggression.

“We keep trying to notify students of the growing problem,” said Police Chief John Smith, “But they refuse to listen. It’s almost as if being part of a drunken mob has somehow impaired their ability to think rationally.”

Or it could be that myths of kindly leprechauns eating Lucky Charms by the bowlful have endowed this generation of students with the idea that leprechauns are not dangerous.

Citing cultural misappropriation as the reason for their repeated attacks, the KW Leprechaun Royal Thinktank (KWLRT) has claimed that they are well within their rights to defend the theft of their heritage.

Regardless of this most recent move by the KWLRT, the student protests have continued in full force, with students loudly proclaiming, “Kiss me. I identify as Irish.”

But fearing the ravenous teeth and razor-sharp claws of the leprechauns, police will not be permitting students to party on Ezra.  

Pictured: the honey garlic limbs of leprechauns.

Local tavern Chainsaw has been a vocal opponent of the recent surge in leprechaun-related attacks, going so far as to advertise a deal on ‘leprechaun limbs’ so as to discourage any of the toothy green demons from walking in and singing karaoke.

Chainsaw will be leprechaun free and open early, Sunday, March 17th. Live music will play from 4-7pm and karaoke will follow.


This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson

How to Win $50 to Spend In Uptown Waterloo

How to Win $50 to Spend In Uptown Waterloo

Want to win $50 to spend in Uptown Waterloo?

The only thing we love more than seeing our signs in your windows is seeing them on you!

That’s why if you share a picture of yourself in a Chainsaw tank top, t-shirt, ball cap or any other Chainsaw swag using the hashtag #WeLiveEverywhere, you’ll be entered to win $50 Uptown Waterloo dollars! We’ll pick a new winner every week.

We Live Everywhere

Have an old Chainsaw shirt? Make good use of it and you could be $50 richer.

Always wanted a Chainsaw shirt? Right now you get get a Chainsaw tank for free on Thursdays! Follow this link to learn more.

Throw on your swag and snap a pic, it’s that easy. Imagine: getting paid to take a selfie…

Want to make sure you win? Bonus points if you’re picture was taken outside of the city, or outside of the COUNTRY!




School is expensive. Food is expensive. Everything is expensive. WE WANT TO HELP!


* Uptown Dollars can be used at any Uptown Waterloo establishment other than the LCBO.

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