Drunk Student Unsure if Eating Pizza or Cardboard, Doesn’t Care

Drunk Student Unsure if Eating Pizza or Cardboard, Doesn’t Care

Local student Janie Jones, finding herself drunk and alone at 3 am on the streets of Waterloo, decided that the only way she could make it home safely was if she found pizza.

Ms Jones was heard to be repeating the phrase “you are my fire, my one desire” over and over as she stumbled down the sidewalk with the grace of a crippled swan.  

It was several agonizing seconds later that Ms Jones managed to find what she assumed to be a pizza place, an assumption reached through what can only be described as Sherlock Holmesian deductive reasoning: “The door was open and it was, like, 3 am.”

In her heavily inebriated state, Ms Jones disclosed to us that she vaguely recalled speaking to someone inside, but was unable to specify anything beyond the word “cheese”.

The next thing Ms Jones recollects is chewing. Ms Jones admitted the slice was both chewy and dry, and had a similar consistency with cardboard, but noted it “wasn’t exactly a deal breaker” for her. She wisely added, “Pizza’s pizza.”

We caught up with Ms Jones the next morning to see if she had reached any conclusions. She hadn’t, but she did add “I’m actually hoping it wasn’t pizza now. I forgot I’m off gluten.”

 

This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson

Why You Sound So Good Singing Karaoke

Why You Sound So Good Singing Karaoke

In an eye-opening report, top researchers at the Institute of Science in Toronto have found a correlation between alcohol consumption and the ability to sing. According to the discovery, singing while intoxicated adds at least five octaves to a person’s vocal range, as well as the ability to recall every single lyric ever composed.

The news has brought relief to the millions across the world who sing karaoke and then have to hear from their friends the next morning they were a mess.

“I know I definitely sounded better than when I do in the shower. Maybe it was the audience?” questioned one young woman who definitely didn’t cause any ears to bleed during her silky-smooth rendition of Titanium by Sia.

In addition to boosting your vocal chords, those that consumed alcohol also reported they momentarily became fabulous dancers, despite many of the participants being notably caucasian.

“I could tell everyone on the dance floor was totally vibing me. I don’t know where it came from, but suddenly I was lord of the fucking dance,” said one man in khaki shorts.

Analysts caution they still have much to learn from the data they have collected and want to remind readers that although their karaoke may improve, “consuming too much alcohol can also lead to nausea, vomiting, headaches, and in severe cases, explosive diarrhea.”

Always use caution operating a microphone after the consumption of alcohol.

 

This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson

Girl From Suits Secretly Elopes

Girl From Suits Secretly Elopes

Suits fans across the world were shocked to hear Meghan Markle, the 5th billed star of everyone’s favourite legal drama, secretly eloped over the weekend. Fans are absolutely crestfallen, as now that she is a married woman, her husband will not be permitting her to pursue her career as an actor anymore. She will instead be forced to join her man’s reality show about a quirky British family.

“I can’t think of a single person that’s happy for her,” said Wanda Smith, self-proclaimed #1 Suits fan, “How could she leave her character Rachel hanging in the wind just so that she can join some English reality show? Who’s going to want to watch that?”

Indeed, it is a sentiment shared by many fans of the hard-hitting, expertly-plotted courtroom thriller that Ms. Markle has been a part of since the very beginning. But what is most disturbing is the bizarre family that she has married in to.

“I heard they tell her what to wear under her clothes,” said another fan who wished to remain anonymous, “It’s just sick!”

Although Suits is expected to continue, fans are reporting that they’ll “still feel lost” without the paralegal-turned lawyer Rachel Zane’s sardonic wit and legal know-how.

As to whether or not Ms. Markle’s fans will follow the actor as she works on her new reality TV show, they are apparently feeling skeptical.

“I don’t think it’s going to be that successful,” said #1 fan Wanda, “I mean, they just got married and nobody even knew about it.”  

 

This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson

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