Local Stoner Thinks He Heard Something Outside

Local Stoner Thinks He Heard Something Outside

Acknowledging he’d taken “a small toke” as recently as five minutes before, local stoner Melvin Mills confirmed that he’d “definitely heard something suspicious outside.”

Mills, sitting in front of his coffee table strewn with ash, spent Bic lighters, and the ends of a dozen roaches, revealed his harrowing experience to reporters late Thursday night.

“Here I was, sitting on this very couch when I heard this big noise outside. Could have been a gunshot, an alien, a home invader…I had no idea.”  

Admitting that he’d taken at least one more “decent toke”, Mills once again heard the bizarre sound, this time much closer than it was before. Mills was quick to act. He immediately curled up in the fetal position.

After what could have been anywhere from eight seconds to thirty minutes, and briefly forgetting why he was lying in the fetal position in the first place, Mills gauged it was safe enough to check outside.

Taking one more “average toke” for courage, Mills gathered what strength he could and stepped outside into his townhouse yard. There he heard the sound, a kind of grinding and grating noise that he felt reverberate through the ground. Walking by his property was his neighbour dragging his garbage to the curb.

That’s when Mills claimed the reality of the situation dawned on him.

“Yeah, it turned out it was garbage day tomorrow. So it all worked out for the best because I promised my roommates I wouldn’t forget again. I don’t know how it could have slipped my mind.”


This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson

Air Conditioner Gets Seriously Turned On in Hot Weather

Air Conditioner Gets Seriously Turned On in Hot Weather

Stating that the steamy, sweaty summer months really gets its motor running, your air conditioner reported getting massively turned on in hot weather.

“As soon as I see that sun peeking shyly out from the horizon, I just can’t help myself,” your air conditioner said, “All I need is that finger on my button and then I am there.”

With the hot temperatures expected to continue, air conditioners have been positively dripping with condensation, eagerly anticipating the warm, sultry embrace of the summer heat.

“Some of the other appliances look at me like I’m a freak,” reported the very air conditioner that keeps you cool each day, “But when my owners start going on about how hot the weather is going to get, I start to quiver. I know my time is coming.”

With the sweltering temperatures showing no end in sight, your air conditioner would like to reassure you that it can take it. The heat, that is.  

“Crank me up as high as you like, it’s going to be a long winter.”


This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson



In a bizarre proclamation last Friday, local student Jordan Pitt used a microphone to publicly admit to a packed bar that not only was he a teenager, but also a dirtbag.

His friends were mortified, “He’s not a teenager. He’s 22. He’s going to get us kicked out.”

Chainsaw’s security team was quick to act. “For us, it’s about more than just being underage. We also care about our hygiene standards. The unshowered give Chainsaw a bad name.”

Jordan’s parents were called to pick him up, despite their repeated assertions that their son was not, in fact, a teenager. When pressed about the state of Jordan’s hygiene, Mr and Mrs Pitt were much less forthcoming, but were adamant that he at least had “clean laundry delivered every week.”

Before he was removed, the strange boy also admitted to liking Iron Maiden, as if it was somehow relevant to him being both a teenager and a dirtbag.

In a final heartbreaking display of teenage angst, Jordan was dragged out screaming “You don’t give a damn about me!”  

Investigators are now looking into how this plucky adolescent managed to enter the bar in the first place.


This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson

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