People often ask us: “How your beer so good???”

And we wish we could tell you. Yet each time we have to ask ourselves if you’re ready for a secret as closely guarded as this one. Is the world? We face this question every time someone takes that first sip of Chainsaw Lager, and the all-too-familiar look of absolute enjoyment washes over their face.

But after some discussion, and much argument, we have decided to unveil how Chainsaw Lager came to be…

Chainsaw Lager was first discovered deep in the salt mines of Argentina, around three hundred years ago. After using dynamite to grind up a large block of table salt, miners mistakenly discovered a dormant volcano, and subsequently caused an eruption. Although no miners were injured, many shovels were damaged beyond repair.

And so it was that 19-year-old Diego “Chainsaw” Sanchez Domingo set out to explore the aftermath of the volcanic eruption that had left dozens of Argentinean homes salt-less.

As Diego approached the site of the eruption, he discovered bubbles rising out of a fissure in the earth. In a matter of seconds the bubbles became a geyser that soaked him in what he assumed was old milk – the kind found at the bottom of a bowl of cheerios. But after tasting his shirt, his life was changed forever.

Diego “Chainsaw” Sanchez Domingo kept the secret of the lager-spewing geyser his entire life. Every night he would return to the beer fountain and every night he would collect enough to sell at his local tavern. The full-bodied lager was an instant hit, and soon Diego was transporting vast quantities across the sea, to an unknown source in the foothills of Southwestern Ontario.

The brew has always been served in secret. If Chainsaw Lager, as we like to call it, is served anywhere else in the world, the location is unknown to us.

No one knows what happened to Diego “Chainsaw” Sanchez Domingo. But his memory lives on in Argentina. In honour of pioneering this ‘globally’ renowned lager, Diego’s shapely profile adorns many of the more expensive commemorative Argentinean stamps.

Since Chainsaw Lager isn’t “brewed” in any conventional sense, it is impossible to bottle and store; the atomic force of the carbonation will oftentimes shatter glass. As a protective measure, Chainsaw Lager may never be served in a container with a lid. Which, in a happy coincidence, only adds to its mysterious flavour and, dare I say, remarkable aroma.

Chainsaw Lager is an elegant drink, reserved only for truly discerning palates. It takes an educated tongue to recognize the subtle notes of hops, barley, and original Cheerios. Experts will often cite differences in the method of tasting Chainsaw Lager with that of tasting wine. With wine, a taster will generally take a sip, swirl it around, and then spit it out. For Chainsaw Lager, experts suggest that ‘guzzling’ or ‘chugging’ is the only proper way to appreciate the distinctive, zesty flavour.

And so the secret has been revealed. Chainsaw Lager is not brewed, but spurts forth from Argentinean soil as the result of a freak volcanic eruption.

The fountain has sometimes been mistaken for the fountain of youth, since those who drink from it often revert to the joyful ignorance and frequent vomiting of childhood.

 

This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson