Acknowledging he’d taken “a small toke” as recently as five minutes before, local stoner Melvin Mills confirmed that he’d “definitely heard something suspicious outside.”
Mills, sitting in front of his coffee table strewn with ash, spent Bic lighters, and the ends of a dozen roaches, revealed his harrowing experience to reporters late Thursday night.
“Here I was, sitting on this very couch when I heard this big noise outside. Could have been a gunshot, an alien, a home invader…I had no idea.”
Admitting that he’d taken at least one more “decent toke”, Mills once again heard the bizarre sound, this time much closer than it was before. Mills was quick to act. He immediately curled up in the fetal position.
After what could have been anywhere from eight seconds to thirty minutes, and briefly forgetting why he was lying in the fetal position in the first place, Mills gauged it was safe enough to check outside.
Taking one more “average toke” for courage, Mills gathered what strength he could and stepped outside into his townhouse yard. There he heard the sound, a kind of grinding and grating noise that he felt reverberate through the ground. Walking by his property was his neighbour dragging his garbage to the curb.
That’s when Mills claimed the reality of the situation dawned on him.
“Yeah, it turned out it was garbage day tomorrow. So it all worked out for the best because I promised my roommates I wouldn’t forget again. I don’t know how it could have slipped my mind.”
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson