Still reeling from the news that police would be closing down Ezra Ave for St. Patrick’s Day, local student Cathy Gibbers is urging fellow revellers to remember that leprechaun bites can cause golden measles and temporary insanity.

“I know everyone is upset,” Cathy was heard to say, “But we need to keep in mind that there are some students that have yet to recover from the savage leprechaun attacks from last year.”

Indeed, emergency rooms in Kitchener-Waterloo have been getting steadily fuller each March 17th, despite repeated warnings that Ezra Ave is a hotbed for leprechaun aggression.

“We keep trying to notify students of the growing problem,” said Police Chief John Smith, “But they refuse to listen. It’s almost as if getting publicly intoxicated surrounded by their friends has somehow impaired their ability to think rationally.”

Or it could be that myths of kindly leprechauns eating Lucky Charms by the bowlful have endowed this generation of students with the idea that leprechauns are not dangerous.

Citing cultural misappropriation as the reason for their repeated attacks, the KW Leprechaun Royal Thinktank (KWLRT) has claimed that they are well within their rights to defend the theft of their heritage.

Regardless of this most recent move by the KWLRT, the student protests have continued in full force, with students loudly proclaiming, “Kiss me. I identify as Irish.”

But fearing the ravenous teeth and razor-sharp claws of the leprechauns, police will not be permitting students to party on Ezra.  

Pictured: the honey garlic limbs of leprechauns.

Local tavern Chainsaw has been a vocal opponent of the recent surge in leprechaun-related attacks, going so far as to advertise a deal on ‘leprechaun limbs’ so as to discourage any of the toothy green demons from entering through its doors to sing karaoke.

Chainsaw will be open, and leprechaun free, Saturday, March 17th from 11am-close. Live music will play from 3-7pm and karaoke will commence at 7.

 

This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson