Still reeling from the news that police would be closing down Ezra Ave for St. Patrick’s Day, local student Cathy Gibbers is urging fellow revellers to remember that leprechaun bites can cause golden measles and temporary insanity.
“I know everyone is upset,” Cathy was heard to say, “But we need to keep in mind that there are some students that have yet to recover from the savage leprechaun attacks from last year.”
Indeed, emergency rooms in Kitchener-Waterloo have been getting steadily fuller each March 17th, despite repeated warnings that Ezra Ave is a hotbed for leprechaun aggression.
“We keep trying to notify students of the growing problem,” said Police Chief John Smith, “But they refuse to listen. It’s almost as if getting publicly intoxicated surrounded by their friends has somehow impaired their ability to think rationally.”
Or it could be that myths of kindly leprechauns eating Lucky Charms by the bowlful have endowed this generation of students with the idea that leprechauns are not dangerous.
Citing cultural misappropriation as the reason for their repeated attacks, the KW Leprechaun Royal Thinktank (KWLRT) has claimed that they are well within their rights to defend the theft of their heritage.
Regardless of this most recent move by the KWLRT, the student protests have continued in full force, with students loudly proclaiming, “Kiss me. I identify as Irish.”
But fearing the ravenous teeth and razor-sharp claws of the leprechauns, police will not be permitting students to party on Ezra.
Local tavern Chainsaw has been a vocal opponent of the recent surge in leprechaun-related attacks, going so far as to advertise a deal on ‘leprechaun limbs’ so as to discourage any of the toothy green demons from entering through its doors to sing karaoke.
Chainsaw will be open, and leprechaun free, Saturday, March 17th from 11am-close. Live music will play from 3-7pm and karaoke will commence at 7.
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
Want to win $50 to spend in Uptown Waterloo?
The only thing we love more than seeing our signs in your windows is seeing them on you!
That’s why if you share a picture of yourself in a Chainsaw tank top, t-shirt, ball cap or any other Chainsaw swag using the hashtag #WeLiveEverywhere, you’ll be entered to win $50 Uptown Waterloo dollars! We’ll pick a new winner every week.
Have an old Chainsaw shirt? Make good use of it and you could be $50 richer.
Always wanted a Chainsaw shirt? Right now you get get a Chainsaw tank for free on Thursdays! Follow this link to learn more.
Throw on your swag and snap a pic, it’s that easy. Imagine: getting paid to take a selfie…
Want to make sure you win? Bonus points if you’re picture was taken outside of the city, or outside of the COUNTRY!
School is expensive. Food is expensive. Everything is expensive. WE WANT TO HELP!
* Uptown Dollars can be used at any Uptown Waterloo establishment other than the LCBO.
Karaoke fans and Pabst enthusiasts, we’ve got new swag… branded Chainsaw tanks from American Apparel! Not army tanks, tank tops. Although, both would show off your guns…
And it’s a good thing too, because as you already know, this summer has been way too hot for sleeves. It’s really been too hot for any kind of clothing, but since we live in a society of laws, our tank tops will have to do. For now.
How do you get one?
Every Thursday until 10pm you’ll get a free tank with the purchase of a basket of…
- French Fries
- Sweet Potato Fries
- Onion rings
View our full menu here.
And the best part?
Our baskets are always HALF PRICE on Thursdays!
We’ve got sizes ranging from ladies’ small to men’s XL. Come on out and grab one for yourself this Thursday!
This promotion is available all summer while quantities last. Want a particular colour or size? GET HERE SOON!