UW Geese Welcome Thousands of New, Unsuspecting Prey to Campus

UW Geese Welcome Thousands of New, Unsuspecting Prey to Campus

Stating they were excited to once again begin terrorizing unsuspecting human youth, local Waterloo geese are ecstatic that another year of university is beginning.

“Sure, summer’s nice,” conceded one goose, still high on adrenaline after chasing a young woman all the way to her dormitory, “But there’s nothing like the rush of dominating feeble bipeds.”

The geese of Waterloo have a long and proud tradition of defending their landwhich just happens to also be where the University of Waterloo campus sitsagainst any possible human infringement. At first confused and perplexed at why the humans kept returning every year to what was obviously their domain, the geese now enjoy the humans.

“Yeah, we don’t mind,” admitted one goose who was seen busily pooping on each of the sidewalks you need to use every day, “I mean, look at the way they run! Can’t buy that kind of entertainment.”

But by far their favourite time of year is yet to come.

“We’re very excited for mating season this year,” laughed another goose, flapping his wings belligerently at a couple of students who dared to walk on his grass, “Gary and Glenda have already staked out their favourite nesting area by the entrance to the Environment building.”

When asked why the geese decided to place their nests around such high traffic areas, the geese were blunt.

“Why? Because fuck you. That’s why.”

 

This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson

Business Student Donates Mother to Aid in Laundry Service

Business Student Donates Mother to Aid in Laundry Service

Saying that he wanted to “finally give something back” to his university community, aspiring snowboardist and self-employed bikini inspector Chad Chadson has decided to let other students in on his brilliant laundry hack.

“Laundry takes time, brah,” says Chad as he shakes off his flip-flops and designer sunglasses, “And time is money.”

Chad says that his hack is incredibly easy to master. All you need to do is throw your dirty clothes in a bag, leave the bag by the door of your house or bedroom, and his mother will simply come by and pick it up.

“Your clothes will be back the next day, brah. Never fails,” Chad confirmed.

Chad says it was his brush with a near-failing grade that really opened his eyes to the suffering of others. “I don’t know brah, it’s like there’s so many people in the world, and like, some of them don’t even have parents. I just thought, well that’s probably why some people smell because they can’t ever get their laundry done. I realized the solution was right at my fingertips.”

A true humanitarian, Chad is giving his laundry hack away for the low price of $10 a bag. A fee which he plans to donate to his burgeoning snowboarding career.  

We reached out to Chad’s mother for comment, who appeared at her front door covered in lint with a stranger’s boxer briefs around her ankle.

“He’s always been a boy that puts others before himself. I’m so proud of him.”

 

This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson

Stunning Report Reveals Those Who Smelt it Dealt it

Stunning Report Reveals Those Who Smelt it Dealt it

In a report that has stunned the nation, local scienticians at the University of Waterloo have concluded a study revealing that those who smelt it totally dealt it.

“Our thorough studies have revealed that the first person to sniff out a booty blast is almost always the perpetrator of said flatulence,” said top researcher, John Fartingsworth.

Children and adults alike are rejoicing at the news.

“No one ever believes that I’m not the one baking air biscuits because as soon as I’m accused I blush. But I’ve never answered the call of the wild burrito in public, and I never will,” said local student Billy Williams.

Researchers say that Billy’s story is all too recognizable. The scienticians went on to explain that the guilty party will invariably announce their fragrant air tulip to the group in an attempt to hide their shame.

“They feel the tickle in their sphincter. They can start throwing around accusations before the foul scent can penetrate the nostrils of their friends and family.”

However, researchers warn that approximately five percent of the time, the thunder from down under may come from a silent observer on the sidelines. One who claims no ownership over their fecal fume, and instead leaves the scene before any blame can be placed upon them.

The news has left lead researcher John Fartingsworth scared.

“I’ve always told my children there’s no such thing as monsters. I can’t say that anymore.”

 

This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson

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