Air Conditioner Gets Seriously Turned On in Hot Weather

Air Conditioner Gets Seriously Turned On in Hot Weather

Stating that the steamy, sweaty summer months really gets its motor running, your air conditioner reported getting massively turned on in hot weather.

“As soon as I see that sun peeking shyly out from the horizon, I just can’t help myself,” your air conditioner said, “All I need is that finger on my button and then I am there.”

With the hot temperatures expected to continue, air conditioners have been positively dripping with condensation, eagerly anticipating the warm, sultry embrace of the summer heat.

“Some of the other appliances look at me like I’m a freak,” reported the very air conditioner that keeps you cool each day, “But when my owners start going on about how hot the weather is going to get, I start to quiver. I know my time is coming.”

With the sweltering temperatures showing no end in sight, your air conditioner would like to reassure you that it can take it. The heat, that is.  

“Crank me up as high as you like, it’s going to be a long winter.”

 

This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson

WEIRDO ADMITS TO FULL BAR THEY’RE A TEENAGER AND A DIRTBAG

WEIRDO ADMITS TO FULL BAR THEY’RE A TEENAGER AND A DIRTBAG

In a bizarre proclamation last Friday, local student Jordan Pitt used a microphone to publicly admit to a packed bar that not only was he a teenager, but also a dirtbag.

His friends were mortified, “He’s not a teenager. He’s 22. He’s going to get us kicked out.”

Chainsaw’s security team was quick to act. “For us, it’s about more than just being underage. We also care about our hygiene standards. The unshowered give Chainsaw a bad name.”

Jordan’s parents were called to pick him up, despite their repeated assertions that their son was not, in fact, a teenager. When pressed about the state of Jordan’s hygiene, Mr and Mrs Pitt were much less forthcoming, but were adamant that he at least had “clean laundry delivered every week.”

Before he was removed, the strange boy also admitted to liking Iron Maiden, as if it was somehow relevant to him being both a teenager and a dirtbag.

In a final heartbreaking display of teenage angst, Jordan was dragged out screaming “You don’t give a damn about me!”  

Investigators are now looking into how this plucky adolescent managed to enter the bar in the first place.

 

This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson

Drunk Student Unsure if Eating Pizza or Cardboard, Doesn’t Care

Drunk Student Unsure if Eating Pizza or Cardboard, Doesn’t Care

Local student Janie Jones, finding herself drunk and alone at 3 am on the streets of Waterloo, decided that the only way she could make it home safely was if she found pizza.

Ms Jones was heard to be repeating the phrase “you are my fire, my one desire” over and over as she stumbled down the sidewalk with the grace of a crippled swan.  

It was several agonizing seconds later that Ms Jones managed to find what she assumed to be a pizza place, an assumption reached through what can only be described as Sherlock Holmesian deductive reasoning: “The door was open and it was, like, 3 am.”

In her heavily inebriated state, Ms Jones disclosed to us that she vaguely recalled speaking to someone inside, but was unable to specify anything beyond the word “cheese”.

The next thing Ms Jones recollects is chewing. Ms Jones admitted the slice was both chewy and dry, and had a similar consistency with cardboard, but noted it “wasn’t exactly a deal breaker” for her. She wisely added, “Pizza’s pizza.”

We caught up with Ms Jones the next morning to see if she had reached any conclusions. She hadn’t, but she did add “I’m actually hoping it wasn’t pizza now. I forgot I’m off gluten.”

 

This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson

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