Stunning Report Reveals Those Who Smelt it Dealt it

Stunning Report Reveals Those Who Smelt it Dealt it

In a report that has stunned the nation, local scienticians at the University of Waterloo have concluded a study revealing that those who smelt it totally dealt it.

“Our thorough studies have revealed that the first person to sniff out a booty blast is almost always the perpetrator of said flatulence,” said top researcher, John Fartingsworth.

Children and adults alike are rejoicing at the news.

“No one ever believes that I’m not the one baking air biscuits because as soon as I’m accused I blush. But I’ve never answered the call of the wild burrito in public, and I never will,” said local student Billy Williams.

Researchers say that Billy’s story is all too recognizable. The scienticians went on to explain that the guilty party will invariably announce their fragrant air tulip to the group in an attempt to hide their shame.

“They feel the tickle in their sphincter. They can start throwing around accusations before the foul scent can penetrate the nostrils of their friends and family.”

However, researchers warn that approximately five percent of the time, the thunder from down under may come from a silent observer on the sidelines. One who claims no ownership over their fecal fume, and instead leaves the scene before any blame can be placed upon them.

The news has left lead researcher John Fartingsworth scared.

“I’ve always told my children there’s no such thing as monsters. I can’t say that anymore.”

 

This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson

Local Stoner Thinks He Heard Something Outside

Local Stoner Thinks He Heard Something Outside

Acknowledging he’d taken “a small toke” as recently as five minutes before, local stoner Melvin Mills confirmed that he’d “definitely heard something suspicious outside.”

Mills, sitting in front of his coffee table strewn with ash, spent Bic lighters, and the ends of a dozen roaches, revealed his harrowing experience to reporters late Thursday night.

“Here I was, sitting on this very couch when I heard this big noise outside. Could have been a gunshot, an alien, a home invader…I had no idea.”  

Admitting that he’d taken at least one more “decent toke”, Mills once again heard the bizarre sound, this time much closer than it was before. Mills was quick to act. He immediately curled up in the fetal position.

After what could have been anywhere from eight seconds to thirty minutes, and briefly forgetting why he was lying in the fetal position in the first place, Mills gauged it was safe enough to check outside.

Taking one more “average toke” for courage, Mills gathered what strength he could and stepped outside into his townhouse yard. There he heard the sound, a kind of grinding and grating noise that he felt reverberate through the ground. Walking by his property was his neighbour dragging his garbage to the curb.

That’s when Mills claimed the reality of the situation dawned on him.

“Yeah, it turned out it was garbage day tomorrow. So it all worked out for the best because I promised my roommates I wouldn’t forget again. I don’t know how it could have slipped my mind.”

 

This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson

Air Conditioner Gets Seriously Turned On in Hot Weather

Air Conditioner Gets Seriously Turned On in Hot Weather

Stating that the steamy, sweaty summer months really gets its motor running, your air conditioner reported getting massively turned on in hot weather.

“As soon as I see that sun peeking shyly out from the horizon, I just can’t help myself,” your air conditioner said, “All I need is that finger on my button and then I am there.”

With the hot temperatures expected to continue, air conditioners have been positively dripping with condensation, eagerly anticipating the warm, sultry embrace of the summer heat.

“Some of the other appliances look at me like I’m a freak,” reported the very air conditioner that keeps you cool each day, “But when my owners start going on about how hot the weather is going to get, I start to quiver. I know my time is coming.”

With the sweltering temperatures showing no end in sight, your air conditioner would like to reassure you that it can take it. The heat, that is.  

“Crank me up as high as you like, it’s going to be a long winter.”

 

This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson

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