by Greg Johnson | Aug 14, 2018 | Blog
In a report that has stunned the nation, local scienticians at the University of Waterloo have concluded a study revealing that those who smelt it totally dealt it.
“Our thorough studies have revealed that the first person to sniff out a booty blast is almost always the perpetrator of said flatulence,” said top researcher, John Fartingsworth.
Children and adults alike are rejoicing at the news.
“No one ever believes that I’m not the one baking air biscuits because as soon as I’m accused I blush. But I’ve never answered the call of the wild burrito in public, and I never will,” said local student Billy Williams.
Researchers say that Billy’s story is all too recognizable. The scienticians went on to explain that the guilty party will invariably announce their fragrant air tulip to the group in an attempt to hide their shame.
“They feel the tickle in their sphincter. They can start throwing around accusations before the foul scent can penetrate the nostrils of their friends and family.”
However, researchers warn that approximately five percent of the time, the thunder from down under may come from a silent observer on the sidelines. One who claims no ownership over their fecal fume, and instead leaves the scene before any blame can be placed upon them.
The news has left lead researcher John Fartingsworth scared.
“I’ve always told my children there’s no such thing as monsters. I can’t say that anymore.”
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | Jul 31, 2018 | Blog
Acknowledging he’d taken “a small toke” as recently as five minutes before, local stoner Melvin Mills confirmed that he’d “definitely heard something suspicious outside.”
Mills, sitting in front of his coffee table strewn with ash, spent Bic lighters, and the ends of a dozen roaches, revealed his harrowing experience to reporters late Thursday night.
“Here I was, sitting on this very couch when I heard this big noise outside. Could have been a gunshot, an alien, a home invader…I had no idea.”
Admitting that he’d taken at least one more “decent toke”, Mills once again heard the bizarre sound, this time much closer than it was before. Mills was quick to act. He immediately curled up in the fetal position.
After what could have been anywhere from eight seconds to thirty minutes, and briefly forgetting why he was lying in the fetal position in the first place, Mills gauged it was safe enough to check outside.
Taking one more “average toke” for courage, Mills gathered what strength he could and stepped outside into his townhouse yard. There he heard the sound, a kind of grinding and grating noise that he felt reverberate through the ground. Walking by his property was his neighbour dragging his garbage to the curb.
That’s when Mills claimed the reality of the situation dawned on him.
“Yeah, it turned out it was garbage day tomorrow. So it all worked out for the best because I promised my roommates I wouldn’t forget again. I don’t know how it could have slipped my mind.”
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | Jul 12, 2018 | Blog
Stating that the steamy, sweaty summer months really gets its motor running, your air conditioner reported getting massively turned on in hot weather.
“As soon as I see that sun peeking shyly out from the horizon, I just can’t help myself,” your air conditioner said, “All I need is that finger on my button and then I am there.”
With the hot temperatures expected to continue, air conditioners have been positively dripping with condensation, eagerly anticipating the warm, sultry embrace of the summer heat.
“Some of the other appliances look at me like I’m a freak,” reported the very air conditioner that keeps you cool each day, “But when my owners start going on about how hot the weather is going to get, I start to quiver. I know my time is coming.”
With the sweltering temperatures showing no end in sight, your air conditioner would like to reassure you that it can take it. The heat, that is.
“Crank me up as high as you like, it’s going to be a long winter.”
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | Jul 3, 2018 | Blog
In a bizarre proclamation last Friday, local student Jordan Pitt used a microphone to publicly admit to a packed bar that not only was he a teenager, but also a dirtbag.
His friends were mortified, “He’s not a teenager. He’s 22. He’s going to get us kicked out.”
Chainsaw’s security team was quick to act. “For us, it’s about more than just being underage. We also care about our hygiene standards. The unshowered give Chainsaw a bad name.”
Jordan’s parents were called to pick him up, despite their repeated assertions that their son was not, in fact, a teenager. When pressed about the state of Jordan’s hygiene, Mr and Mrs Pitt were much less forthcoming, but were adamant that he at least had “clean laundry delivered every week.”
Before he was removed, the strange boy also admitted to liking Iron Maiden, as if it was somehow relevant to him being both a teenager and a dirtbag.
In a final heartbreaking display of teenage angst, Jordan was dragged out screaming “You don’t give a damn about me!”
Investigators are now looking into how this plucky adolescent managed to enter the bar in the first place.
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | Jun 19, 2018 | Blog
Local student Janie Jones, finding herself drunk and alone at 3 am on the streets of Waterloo, decided that the only way she could make it home safely was if she found pizza.
Ms Jones was heard to be repeating the phrase “you are my fire, my one desire” over and over as she stumbled down the sidewalk with the grace of a crippled swan.
It was several agonizing seconds later that Ms Jones managed to find what she assumed to be a pizza place, an assumption reached through what can only be described as Sherlock Holmesian deductive reasoning: “The door was open and it was, like, 3 am.”
In her heavily inebriated state, Ms Jones disclosed to us that she vaguely recalled speaking to someone inside, but was unable to specify anything beyond the word “cheese”.
The next thing Ms Jones recollects is chewing. Ms Jones admitted the slice was both chewy and dry, and had a similar consistency with cardboard, but noted it “wasn’t exactly a deal breaker” for her. She wisely added, “Pizza’s pizza.”
We caught up with Ms Jones the next morning to see if she had reached any conclusions. She hadn’t, but she did add “I’m actually hoping it wasn’t pizza now. I forgot I’m off gluten.”
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | Jun 6, 2018 | Blog
In an eye-opening report, top researchers at the Institute of Science in Toronto have found a correlation between alcohol consumption and the ability to sing. According to the discovery, singing while intoxicated adds at least five octaves to a person’s vocal range, as well as the ability to recall every single lyric ever composed.
The news has brought relief to the millions across the world who sing karaoke and then have to hear from their friends the next morning they were a mess.
“I know I definitely sounded better than when I do in the shower. Maybe it was the audience?” questioned one young woman who definitely didn’t cause any ears to bleed during her silky-smooth rendition of Titanium by Sia.
In addition to boosting your vocal chords, those that consumed alcohol also reported they momentarily became fabulous dancers, despite many of the participants being notably caucasian.
“I could tell everyone on the dance floor was totally vibing me. I don’t know where it came from, but suddenly I was lord of the fucking dance,” said one man in khaki shorts.
Analysts caution they still have much to learn from the data they have collected and want to remind readers that although their karaoke may improve, “consuming too much alcohol can also lead to nausea, vomiting, headaches, and in severe cases, explosive diarrhea.”
Always use caution operating a microphone after the consumption of alcohol.
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | May 22, 2018 | Blog
Suits fans across the world were shocked to hear Meghan Markle, the 5th billed star of everyone’s favourite legal drama, secretly eloped over the weekend. Fans are absolutely crestfallen, as now that she is a married woman, her husband will not be permitting her to pursue her career as an actor anymore. She will instead be forced to join her man’s reality show about a quirky British family.
“I can’t think of a single person that’s happy for her,” said Wanda Smith, self-proclaimed #1 Suits fan, “How could she leave her character Rachel hanging in the wind just so that she can join some English reality show? Who’s going to want to watch that?”
Indeed, it is a sentiment shared by many fans of the hard-hitting, expertly-plotted courtroom thriller that Ms. Markle has been a part of since the very beginning. But what is most disturbing is the bizarre family that she has married in to.
“I heard they tell her what to wear under her clothes,” said another fan who wished to remain anonymous, “It’s just sick!”
Although Suits is expected to continue, fans are reporting that they’ll “still feel lost” without the paralegal-turned lawyer Rachel Zane’s sardonic wit and legal know-how.
As to whether or not Ms. Markle’s fans will follow the actor as she works on her new reality TV show, they are apparently feeling skeptical.
“I don’t think it’s going to be that successful,” said #1 fan Wanda, “I mean, they just got married and nobody even knew about it.”
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | May 16, 2018 | Blog
After decades of research and investigative journalism that truly “left no stone unturned,” male researchers at the University of Waterloo have finally discovered the reason why the women’s line is always longer for the washroom at every establishment besides Chainsaw.
Staff and patrons of Chainsaw alike have often been baffled as to why the men’s line is longer for the washroom than the women’s when it is exactly the opposite at near every other bar, eatery, and rest stop in the world.
According to the recent study, using the washroom at most establishments is a far more complicated problem for females. Any ladies entering the facilities must be prepared to face a series of intellectual and physical challenges that range from algebraic equations to full-on combat scenarios.
“We discovered this is the reason women will often go to the washroom in packs,” reported lead researcher, Jon Dough, “They need to make sure they have someone qualified to face each task. A healer, a warrior, an archer…”
The bombshell revelations point to the fact that the walls in women’s washrooms are hollow and hold creatures such as flying monkeys with razor-sharp teeth, Voldemort-like wizards, as well as homicidal robots. Each must be bested if the ladies wish to use the facilities.
“I’d like to hear a guy complain about ‘performance anxiety’ after going toe-to-toe with a Water Closet Dragon,” said one woman interviewed.
However, the question remains, how have the men of the world managed to remain oblivious to this when women have to face these bizarre and dangerous situations multiple times a day?
“Is that a serious question?” asked literally every single woman surveyed.
With this new data, researchers can finally dispel the fringe theory that the women’s line is always long because the washrooms were designed by men both ignorant of and indifferent to women’s needs.
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | Apr 24, 2018 | Blog
Through the many ages that have passed since Chainsaw’s inception in 2009, patrons have gazed slack-jawed with befuddlement at our sign.
“2009-2012ish?” they ask, eyes alight with confusion, “But that was years ago.”
Indeed, loyal patron; your powers of deduction clearly know no match. What you don’t know is that the world as we know it was almost lost to us in that fateful year, 2012.
You see, back in 2009, Chainsaw had not yet officially opened. After having acquired the bar through a dangerous game of chance, we were eager to finally realize our dream of opening the first Chainsaw-named karaoke bar in Uptown Waterloo.
After a long afternoon spent trying to remove the stickiness from the floors left by the previous owner, we engaged in a spirited round of karaoke.
But unbeknownst to us, we had an audience.
We spotted a most peculiar creature watching us from the shadows.
The small blue fellow was horned and had eight legs. He looked like the product of a passionate, consensual three-way romance between a Smurf, a centaur, and a tarantula. The eclectic love child told us that his name was Diane and that he had a message for us.
He looked like this but also completely different.
He spoke of impending doom at the hands of extraterrestrial nuclear fire. Diane told us that his people, the Ryangoslings (no relation) had been fighting a desperate war for supremacy of the Milky Way galaxy against their fierce enemy: The Galgarumps.
The Galgarumps were bulbous, bloated, boisterous, and blasphemous creatures with orange skin that knew no decency and had nought but a semblance of morality.
Diane said he had been tasked by the Ryangoslings with the protection of Earth. He had spent much of his difficult life living in the shadows as he went about his near-impossible task. But at last he had been drawn out of his solitude by the sweet sound of music, specifically, a karaoke version of Journey’s beloved ballad Don’t Stop Believing.
Diane said that he related to the song immeasurably. He’d been feeling a little blue lately (no pun intended) and the song had reminded him of the depth and talent of the human race.
Diane then told us that the Mayans had been right. They too had heard tell of the infamous Galgarumps, and knew that they planned to launch their attack in the year 2012. The Mayans had thought the Galgarumps arrival in force would surely mean the destruction of the planet. The Ryangoslings had shared this belief and had dispatched several sleeper agents to prevent this terrible act of violence.
But one by one, the Ryangoslings had been hunted down and taken from the world.
For twenty years, Diane had wandered the world alone, in a perpetual state of dread over the inevitable arrival of the Galgarumps.
But the music had cracked his steely visage and brought him forth from the shadows. In his desperate state of loneliness, he chanced an appearance. And now, meeting all of us and hearing the hallucinatory poetic lyricism of Journey, Diane’s soul was renewed; once again, he believed.
Journey in all their kinetic glory.
For the rest of the night, we sang him the best humanity had to offer: Oops, I Did It Again, Lose Yourself, Teenage Dirtbag, Sweet Caroline, and the immortal, Stacy’s Mom.
“My friends,” he said in his baritone brogue, “You have given me the faith to stand on my own eight legs. I will fight for humanity. When the Galgarumps arrive in and around the year 2012, I will fight and die for you.”
“What are your chances, Diane?” we asked.
“I’d put them at about 50/50.
“But whenever you sing those songs, I shall hear, and it shall give me strength. And remember, I’ll… be… right… here,” he said, jabbing each of us where we can only imagine he thought our hearts were.
And with that, he was gone.
To honour Diane’s wishes, our sign reflected the open-ended, undefined nature of the future. Yes, we knew the world might end in 2012, but we chose to have at least some faith in our furry blue friend. The brave Ryangosling deserved, at the very least, an “ish”.
And here we are. Still alive to this day. We like to think he’s out there somewhere, still riding that midnight train, going N…E…where…
Pictured: Artist’s conception of Diane’s soul.
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | Apr 11, 2018 | Blog
In a move that is being described as “refreshingly honest” and “forward-thinking”, local post-secondary institutions Wilfrid Laurier University and the University of Waterloo have announced they will no longer be grading end-of-term exams.
In a joint press conference, leaders at both universities stated that “We feel this better illustrates the futility of existence that each of our students will face once they leave the warm confines of the university walls.”
Students will still be obligated to study and complete the exams, making sure to write with black ink and not blue, but they will no longer be graded. Rather than pass off their exams to the professor upon completion, students can instead deposit them in the trash on their way out the door.
“We’re trying to demonstrate to the students that although life is truly meaningless and nothing they do here matters, they still need to get a job and show up to it.”
Before this initiative launched, students were graduating thinking that hard work and perseverance at school would one day pay off in the form of a fulfilling career. While a career might be in their future, professors want to remind students that the best days of their lives have already past.
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
