by Greg Johnson | Oct 1, 2018 | Blog
Being that our fair city of Kitchener-Waterloo houses an abundant amount of students, the sight of drunken mobs stumbling down the street isn’t new. But this month you may find a little extra vomit on your front lawn. And whoever’s lawn that was, I’m sorry. The sauerkraut didn’t taste any better the second time.
It’s Oktoberfest! The nine-day festival where Germans (and KW’s Funny Hat Clubs) can celebrate their heritage. I know when I think about the history of Germany, Oktoberfest is the first thing that… well, almost the first thing that comes to mind.
It’s like St. Patrick’s Day, only stretched out over several days and featuring the usual shade of vomit.
And instead of everyone pretending they’re a little bit Irish, Kitchener-Waterloo actually is steeped in German heritage. The German population is very large in our area, and it’s because of this Kitchener is responsible one of the largest Oktoberfests in the world. 
Oktoberfest began in the early 1800s when a fellow named Prince Ludwig married someone named Princess Therese. You think you’ve been to some big weddings? The whole of Munich was invited to their 16-day wedding event. Two hundred and some years later, the massive party has continued nearly every year. It’s only been cancelled due to minor inconveniences like war and cholera epidemics.
Did you know that Kitchener was once called Berlin? The name was changed during World War I after a vocal anti-German minority led a campaign to do just that. Anyone who wanted to keep the name of their town the same was criticized for being a traitor to Canada. After a vote virtually no one participated in, the town was named after Britain’s Minister of War, Lord Kitchener.
Good thing the world’s become so tolerant of other cultures since then, eh?
Since the German population of Kitchener was so large, they were able to keep the Oktoberfest tradition going after leaving Europe; traditions such as Uncle Hans, Miss Oktoberfest, the parade, and of course the German outfits like Dirndls, Lederhosen, and those hats with the feathers. Can you believe Kitchener has kept this celebration of German culture/drunkfest going for 50 YEARS?
And what celebration of German culture would be the same without a $10 Coors Light, followed by a hearty rendition of Sweet Caroline? Alright, so maybe it’s less of a celebration of culture, and more of an opportunity to get drunk in a big festival hall. But hey, who doesn’t love a little tradition?
But when you get tired of the chicken dance, remember you can still spill beer on your shoes and bellow Sweet Caroline here at Chainsaw, and for much cheaper.
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | Sep 25, 2018 | Blog
After finally capturing her ass at its perfect angle for her Instagram page, local woman Britany Lynn found herself struggling to come up with the right caption.
“I need one that really captures the essence of my ass. Should it be ‘summer nights’? Or… ‘Thinkin bout u?’ Or something more literal, like ‘cheeky’?” she wonders aloud as she adjusts the filters, carefully blurring out the toilet behind her.
At press time, Britany revealed that she decided to go with three simple peach emojis, since “a picture says a thousand words anyway.”
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | Sep 11, 2018 | Blog
Stating they were excited to once again begin terrorizing unsuspecting human youth, local Waterloo geese are ecstatic that another year of university is beginning.
“Sure, summer’s nice,” conceded one goose, still high on adrenaline after chasing a young woman all the way to her dormitory, “But there’s nothing like the rush of dominating feeble bipeds.”
The geese of Waterloo have a long and proud tradition of defending their land—which just happens to also be where the University of Waterloo campus sits—against any possible human infringement. At first confused and perplexed at why the humans kept returning every year to what was obviously their domain, the geese now enjoy the humans.
“Yeah, we don’t mind,” admitted one goose who was seen busily pooping on each of the sidewalks you need to use every day, “I mean, look at the way they run! Can’t buy that kind of entertainment.”
But by far their favourite time of year is yet to come.
“We’re very excited for mating season this year,” laughed another goose, flapping his wings belligerently at a couple of students who dared to walk on his grass, “Gary and Glenda have already staked out their favourite nesting area by the entrance to the Environment building.”
When asked why the geese decided to place their nests around such high traffic areas, the geese were blunt.
“Why? Because fuck you. That’s why.”
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | Aug 28, 2018 | Blog
Saying that he wanted to “finally give something back” to his university community, aspiring snowboardist and self-employed bikini inspector Chad Chadson has decided to let other students in on his brilliant laundry hack.
“Laundry takes time, brah,” says Chad as he shakes off his flip-flops and designer sunglasses, “And time is money.”
Chad says that his hack is incredibly easy to master. All you need to do is throw your dirty clothes in a bag, leave the bag by the door of your house or bedroom, and his mother will simply come by and pick it up.
“Your clothes will be back the next day, brah. Never fails,” Chad confirmed.
Chad says it was his brush with a near-failing grade that really opened his eyes to the suffering of others. “I don’t know brah, it’s like there’s so many people in the world, and like, some of them don’t even have parents. I just thought, well that’s probably why some people smell because they can’t ever get their laundry done. I realized the solution was right at my fingertips.”
A true humanitarian, Chad is giving his laundry hack away for the low price of $10 a bag. A fee which he plans to donate to his burgeoning snowboarding career.
We reached out to Chad’s mother for comment, who appeared at her front door covered in lint with a stranger’s boxer briefs around her ankle.
“He’s always been a boy that puts others before himself. I’m so proud of him.”
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | Aug 14, 2018 | Blog
In a report that has stunned the nation, local scienticians at the University of Waterloo have concluded a study revealing that those who smelt it totally dealt it.
“Our thorough studies have revealed that the first person to sniff out a booty blast is almost always the perpetrator of said flatulence,” said top researcher, John Fartingsworth.
Children and adults alike are rejoicing at the news.
“No one ever believes that I’m not the one baking air biscuits because as soon as I’m accused I blush. But I’ve never answered the call of the wild burrito in public, and I never will,” said local student Billy Williams.
Researchers say that Billy’s story is all too recognizable. The scienticians went on to explain that the guilty party will invariably announce their fragrant air tulip to the group in an attempt to hide their shame.
“They feel the tickle in their sphincter. They can start throwing around accusations before the foul scent can penetrate the nostrils of their friends and family.”
However, researchers warn that approximately five percent of the time, the thunder from down under may come from a silent observer on the sidelines. One who claims no ownership over their fecal fume, and instead leaves the scene before any blame can be placed upon them.
The news has left lead researcher John Fartingsworth scared.
“I’ve always told my children there’s no such thing as monsters. I can’t say that anymore.”
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | Jul 31, 2018 | Blog
Acknowledging he’d taken “a small toke” as recently as five minutes before, local stoner Melvin Mills confirmed that he’d “definitely heard something suspicious outside.”
Mills, sitting in front of his coffee table strewn with ash, spent Bic lighters, and the ends of a dozen roaches, revealed his harrowing experience to reporters late Thursday night.
“Here I was, sitting on this very couch when I heard this big noise outside. Could have been a gunshot, an alien, a home invader…I had no idea.”
Admitting that he’d taken at least one more “decent toke”, Mills once again heard the bizarre sound, this time much closer than it was before. Mills was quick to act. He immediately curled up in the fetal position.
After what could have been anywhere from eight seconds to thirty minutes, and briefly forgetting why he was lying in the fetal position in the first place, Mills gauged it was safe enough to check outside.
Taking one more “average toke” for courage, Mills gathered what strength he could and stepped outside into his townhouse yard. There he heard the sound, a kind of grinding and grating noise that he felt reverberate through the ground. Walking by his property was his neighbour dragging his garbage to the curb.
That’s when Mills claimed the reality of the situation dawned on him.
“Yeah, it turned out it was garbage day tomorrow. So it all worked out for the best because I promised my roommates I wouldn’t forget again. I don’t know how it could have slipped my mind.”
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | Jul 12, 2018 | Blog
Stating that the steamy, sweaty summer months really gets its motor running, your air conditioner reported getting massively turned on in hot weather.
“As soon as I see that sun peeking shyly out from the horizon, I just can’t help myself,” your air conditioner said, “All I need is that finger on my button and then I am there.”
With the hot temperatures expected to continue, air conditioners have been positively dripping with condensation, eagerly anticipating the warm, sultry embrace of the summer heat.
“Some of the other appliances look at me like I’m a freak,” reported the very air conditioner that keeps you cool each day, “But when my owners start going on about how hot the weather is going to get, I start to quiver. I know my time is coming.”
With the sweltering temperatures showing no end in sight, your air conditioner would like to reassure you that it can take it. The heat, that is.
“Crank me up as high as you like, it’s going to be a long winter.”
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | Jul 3, 2018 | Blog
In a bizarre proclamation last Friday, local student Jordan Pitt used a microphone to publicly admit to a packed bar that not only was he a teenager, but also a dirtbag.
His friends were mortified, “He’s not a teenager. He’s 22. He’s going to get us kicked out.”
Chainsaw’s security team was quick to act. “For us, it’s about more than just being underage. We also care about our hygiene standards. The unshowered give Chainsaw a bad name.”
Jordan’s parents were called to pick him up, despite their repeated assertions that their son was not, in fact, a teenager. When pressed about the state of Jordan’s hygiene, Mr and Mrs Pitt were much less forthcoming, but were adamant that he at least had “clean laundry delivered every week.”
Before he was removed, the strange boy also admitted to liking Iron Maiden, as if it was somehow relevant to him being both a teenager and a dirtbag.
In a final heartbreaking display of teenage angst, Jordan was dragged out screaming “You don’t give a damn about me!”
Investigators are now looking into how this plucky adolescent managed to enter the bar in the first place.
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | Jun 19, 2018 | Blog
Local student Janie Jones, finding herself drunk and alone at 3 am on the streets of Waterloo, decided that the only way she could make it home safely was if she found pizza.
Ms Jones was heard to be repeating the phrase “you are my fire, my one desire” over and over as she stumbled down the sidewalk with the grace of a crippled swan.
It was several agonizing seconds later that Ms Jones managed to find what she assumed to be a pizza place, an assumption reached through what can only be described as Sherlock Holmesian deductive reasoning: “The door was open and it was, like, 3 am.”
In her heavily inebriated state, Ms Jones disclosed to us that she vaguely recalled speaking to someone inside, but was unable to specify anything beyond the word “cheese”.
The next thing Ms Jones recollects is chewing. Ms Jones admitted the slice was both chewy and dry, and had a similar consistency with cardboard, but noted it “wasn’t exactly a deal breaker” for her. She wisely added, “Pizza’s pizza.”
We caught up with Ms Jones the next morning to see if she had reached any conclusions. She hadn’t, but she did add “I’m actually hoping it wasn’t pizza now. I forgot I’m off gluten.”
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
by Greg Johnson | Jun 6, 2018 | Blog
In an eye-opening report, top researchers at the Institute of Science in Toronto have found a correlation between alcohol consumption and the ability to sing. According to the discovery, singing while intoxicated adds at least five octaves to a person’s vocal range, as well as the ability to recall every single lyric ever composed.
The news has brought relief to the millions across the world who sing karaoke and then have to hear from their friends the next morning they were a mess.
“I know I definitely sounded better than when I do in the shower. Maybe it was the audience?” questioned one young woman who definitely didn’t cause any ears to bleed during her silky-smooth rendition of Titanium by Sia.
In addition to boosting your vocal chords, those that consumed alcohol also reported they momentarily became fabulous dancers, despite many of the participants being notably caucasian.
“I could tell everyone on the dance floor was totally vibing me. I don’t know where it came from, but suddenly I was lord of the fucking dance,” said one man in khaki shorts.
Analysts caution they still have much to learn from the data they have collected and want to remind readers that although their karaoke may improve, “consuming too much alcohol can also lead to nausea, vomiting, headaches, and in severe cases, explosive diarrhea.”
Always use caution operating a microphone after the consumption of alcohol.
This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson
